


The Farthest Place on My Shelf

by LakeYarina



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Secret Children, well singular secret child not multiple haha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23796838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LakeYarina/pseuds/LakeYarina
Summary: based on the barisi fiction archive wishlist prompt: A teenage girl (or boy) shows up, claiming to be Sonny’s kid from a (very) youthful indiscretion. Maybe she (or he) is lying, but either way it wreaks havoc on Sonny’s relationship with Rafael.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	The Farthest Place on My Shelf

**Author's Note:**

> y’all know secret children is my favorite fanfiction niche but i normally write that plot line with rafael being the one with a secret kid. so when i saw this prompt on the wishlist i was PUMPED to try something new. please enjoy! title is from the song Runaway by AURORA, which fits this story really well. i listened to it on loop while writing.

**06/20/2020**

It was a quiet first day of summer in the Special Victims Unit bullpen. The squad was doing paperwork at their desks, Sonny sitting in the break room going over his own case notes. He often wound up back at SVU instead of One Hogan whenever his schedule allowed for it, not able to shake the comfort that the familiarity of his squad and former stomping grounds gave him. 

“Is this SVU?” 

A voice from the enterance to the bullpen interrupted the comfortable silence, Amanda looking up and coming face to face with a girl who looked no older than 14 holding a duffle bag to her chest. She looked familiar, but Amanda couldn’t quite place where from. 

“It is honey, are you okay?” She said and got up, the girl looking between Amanda and the ground skittishly.

She looked like she was going to burst into tears at any moment, sweating running down her face. It was well over a hundred degrees outside, and she was in a long skirt, combat boots and a long sleeved shirt. “I need to talk to someone, about my dad.” She mumbled, Amanda frowning. This wasn’t the first time a scared out of their mind young assault victim had run away from home and into SVU. “You can come with me, is it okay if I touch your shoulder?” She responded and the girl nodded, Amanda gently guiding her into the interview room. She left briefly to get her a water bottle from the vending machine, coming back into the room and setting it down in front of her. She took a small sip, put the cap back, and placed the cold plastic exterior against her flushed face. 

“What’s your name?” Amanda asked, pulling out her notepad. “Isabelle, but I got by Izzy.” She said, shaking her leg against the table. Amanda continued her spheel, noticing that the teenager was holding a photograph in her hand that wasn’t holding the water bottle to her face. 

“Well you know Izzy, whatever happened isn’t your fault. You came to the right place.” She continued, Izzy nodding. “I came to find my dad,” She started, sliding the photo in her hand across the table. “Him.”

Amanda picked it up, doing a immediate double take. It was an old, younger photo of none other than Carisi. He couldn’t have been any older than 20, his arms wrapped around a pregnant woman who looked similar to the teenager sitting across the table.

Izzy pointed to him in the photo, looking at Amanda. “I think his name is Dominick, that’s what’s written on the back.” The teenager said. Her voice pulled Amanda out of her shocked state, though she was still lost beyond belief. When Sonny had disclosed his relationship with Rafael just over a year ago he had told her he was gay. Not that she had anything against it if he was actually bi, but now she was just confused, flipping the photo over. _“Dominick, Taylor, and not yet born baby Izzy. August 2005.”_ was written in cursive on the back. She stared at the handwriting, trying and failing to wrack her brain for any instance of Carisi mentioning a daughter. He was great with both of hers, but had told her it was because of his nieces. 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” She finally said and got up, Izzy looking at her wide eyed. Am I in trouble?” She said, biting her lip. Amanda gave a soft smile, shaking her hair. “No, not at all honey.” She responded, closing the door to the interview room softly and going right into Olivia’s office.  
-  
Olivia looked up from her work when Amanda entered, throwing a glance to the interview room two way glass. “I saw that girl walk in, is she okay?” She asked. Closing the door, Amanda sighed. “Well, she wasn’t assaulted.” She said, Olivia raising an eyebrow. 

“She said she came here to find her dad, and gave me this photo.” She said, passing the photograph to Olivia and cringing somewhat upon realizing Izzy probably saw her react the same way Olivia did, her jaw dropping, as she looked at it, blinked, and looked at it again as if expecting to realize it was actually a photo of a completely different Dominick. But it wasn’t. “That’s definitively Carisi.” She said after a moment, handing the picture back and leaning back in her chair. “You wanna come talk to her with me before I go get him?” Amanda asked and Olivia nodded, following her out and back into the interview-room.  
-  
“You said I wasn’t in trouble.” Izzy said when she saw Olivia, sinking down into her chair. 

Olivia sat down across from her, gently putting a hand on one of hers “You’re not in trouble honey, I just wanted to come talk to you about the photo you showed my friend Amanda.” She said, Izzy recoiling and crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Those are my parents.” She said, forcing a smile. Olivia handed the photo back, the teenager about near snatching it out of her hand, and staring at it herself with a crestfallen expression, starting to zone out. “You live with your mom?” Olivia asked gently, Izzy nodding without looking at her. “Just us and her boyfriend.” She said quietly, not able to pull her eyes from the photograph. 

“You told Amanda that you ran away because you wanted to find your dad, did your mom ever talk about your dad?” Olivia tried.

Shrugging, Izzy moved her hand in a ‘so-so’ gesture. ”Not a lot. Just that his family didn’t like her and that she burned all their photos together when they broke up, when I was still a baby, but I found this one in her closet.” She started, smiling at the picture. “And a few weeks ago we were watching TV and she pointed to the lawyer that was talking and told me that was him. I never had a last name but then I did so I googled him.” She continued, talking a mile a minute. 

“And you haven’t seen him since you were a baby?” Amanda asked and Izzy shook her head with a grimace, the question clearly striking a chord. A beat of silence passed between the trio, the teenager starting to take shallow breaths in and out. Olivia frowned and reached out a hand to squeeze hers, Izzy starting to sniffle. 

Putting the photo down, she folded her arms on the table top and rested her head on them. ”Can you please call him? I don’t wanna go home.” She said, near tears. Olivia looked toward Amanda, who gave her an affirmative nod and stepped out to go get Carisi, who had no idea what was coming.  
-  
Amanda walked into the break room, her heart dropping into her stomach when she saw Sonny working absentmindedly on his laptop without a care in the world. She braced herself against the doorframe and took a deep breath, the sound causing Sonny to stop typing and look up.

“You okay?” He said and gave her concerned look, Amanda unsure of how exactly she was supposed to drop this on him. She bit her lip and stepped more into the room, sitting down across from him. 

“Your daughter is here.” She landed on after a moment, ”And wow is that a sentence I never thought I’d be saying to you.” 

Sonny went pale, closing his laptop. 

“My daughter?” He said quietly, standing up. Amanda wasn’t sure to make of his face or reaction. He looked like a mix of about every emotion she could think, and like he might pass out at any given moment. 

Amanda gave him an awkward smile, tilting her head. “The name Isabelle ring a bell? She’s in the interview room with-” She started, not able to finish her sentence before Sonny was brushing past her and booking it to the interview room. Izzy saw him through the window before Olivia did, getting up and squeezing past Olivia trying to get her to sit back down, pushing the door open. “Dad!” She yelled, getting the attention of both Kat and Fin, who gave both each other and Sonny a confused look as the teenager ran to and crashed into Sonny in a tight bear hug. He hugged her back, unsure of what else he _should_ do. She was three months old the last time he had seen her. What he had spent the last 14 years believing was the last time he would ever see her on this side of heaven.

Olivia let them have a moment before approaching, putting a gentle hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “Sweetheart, Amanda and I need to talk to your dad alone, so do you think you can go back to where we were talking before?” Olivia said, Izzy pulling away from Sonny reluctantly, biting her lip. She didn’t look at Olivia, her eyes glued to Sonny. “My friend Kat will stay with you.” Olivia continued, Kat getting up from her desk after being voluntold to do so and motioning for Izzy to come join her. The teenager hung back for a moment before giving Sonny another hug and walking off, but not taking her eyes off of him until the door to the interview room was closed behind her.  
-  
Sinking down into the couch in Olivia’s office, Sonny dropped his head into his hands. “I never thought this would come up. I never thought,” He started, struggling to get all of his thoughts in order. _She’s so big....but where was she all this time? Where was her mother? How much had she told Olivia and Amanda? Was she okay? How did she find him?_

“That you could just abandon your child and never have to see them again?” Amanda cut in sharply, Sonny snapping out of his head and glaring at her. “Do not act like you know a thing about her story, or mine.” He said and Amanda recoiled, mumbling an apology. He wasn’t wrong. ”Where is her mother anyways?” Sonny continued. 

Sighing, Olivia picked up the photograph she had grabbed when it was left on the interview room table. “Izzy came here alone, with this photo, saying she ran away from home because she saw you on the news.” She said and handed him the photo. Taking it off her, he felt the lump in his throat growing when he looked it at, transported to a completely different time in his life. The barley 20 year old in the photo was him yes, but it was a far cry from the 35 year old he was now.

“She keeps talking about how she doesn’t want to go home but I called her mother so she didn’t report her missing. She’s on her way now.” Olivia continued, Sonny’s head starting to pound as the confrontation he knew was coming started to come to life in his head. 

He looked up from the photograph when he saw Amanda look past his head through the window and cringe in his peripheral vision, turning around to see Rafael walking into the bullpen with a coffee tray for the squad. Sonny hadn’t yet gotten as far as trying to think of how he was going to tell Rafael about everything, and suddenly he had all of a few brief seconds. The three of them filed out of Olivia’s office, and Sonny was about to approach Rafael, but before either of them could so much as smile at one another the woman from the photo now in his pocket was barreling into the bullpen, Fin jumping up to block her path. 

“Where is my daughter? Where is she?” She yelled, Rafael stepping to the side and giving Sonny an oblivious _yikes_ look. He had been present for more than one crazy parent outburst in the bullpen during his time at SVU. But as he was very quickly going to find out, this was a degree different. Olivia stepped up to intercept Taylor with Fin, putting a hand on her shoulder which was quickly shoved off. “Ma’am if we can just get you to step into my office to talk about this,” She said, Taylor only scowling. 

“There’s nothing to discuss. She’s 14, I’m her mother and I’m taking her home.” She said, trying and failing to push past them. Sonny was looking away from both her and Rafael, staring into the interview room, where Kat was crouched on the floor next to the teenager, who was currently in hysterics having heard her mother yelling. He wasn’t even sure if Taylor had seen him, but that was no longer a question when he huffed and turned around in a fit of rage. “And I’m her dad, but since when has that meant anything to you!” He yelled, focusing his attention on Taylor instead of on the Rafael and the coffee he had let fall to the ground at that reveal, not able to focus on the both of them.

Taylor rolled her eyes, forcing a sarcastic laugh. “Oh don’t throw a pity party now when your own decisions are why you don’t see her.” She started, trying and failing again to push Fin off of her. “You made this bed over a decade ago Dominick don’t complain about it now.”

Olivia entrusted Fin with Taylor and moved to stand with Rafael, whose jaw had tightened, one hand gripping his forearm with white knuckles as coffee dripped down his shirt and pant leg. She tried to gently move his hand to no avail, settling for just standing as close to him as she could. 

“You took her! You knew I wanted to see her, gave me one visit, and never let me see her again. That is on _you!_ And I won’t let you blame this on me.” Sonny yelled back at Taylor, raising his voice to a yell and surging forward to get closer, finger pointed in her face. Amanda pulled him back by his arm and Taylor didn’t give a response, though Sonny’s remark seemed to raise her anger bar enough for Fin to be concerned she might actually overpower him. Leaving Rafael’s side, Olivia stepped between everyone,

“You, with him.” She said first to Taylor, Fin giving Sonny a _what the fuck?_ look before escorting Taylor off to interrogation. “Amanda go in with Kat, Carisi and Barba come with me.” She continued, Amanda walking off as Rafael followed Sonny into Olivia’s office and pulled the door shut behind them with a slam. Neither man sat, Rafael standing in front of the door with his arms crossed, Sonny standing across the room on the far side of Olivia’s desk.  
-  
“Can both of you please sit down so we can talk about this cordially?” Olivia said as she sat down herself at her desk, Rafael only scoffing. 

“Actually I’d prefer to stand here so he can’t run out of the room, like he apparently ran from his child.” He spat out, not even so much as looking at his partner. Sonny knew this is how he would react, but still wished he got the opportunity to tell him without Taylor more or less giving him an half truth crash course. 

“Rafael, I can explain-” He started, only to be cut off. 

”So do it.” 

Rafael was begginging to sound more hurt than he did angry, which made Sonny feel all that much more heavy. He knew the topic of parenting, and more specifically fatherhood, was sensitive. It was why they had come to a decision just a few weeks ago that kids were out of the question for them. Though Sonny wasn’t completely honest in justifying his thinking on the matter by saying his nieces were enough for him. 

“Her parents found out I realized I was gay and told her before I could. She flipped out and ran, with Isabelle. None of this was my decision and I,” He started, only to be cut off again. “So that’s an excuse to not make any sort of attempt to see your child? To simply pretend she doesn’t exist?” Rafael said, his voice cracking.

Sighing, Sonny tried again. “That’s not what happened if you would please just let me finish I,” He said, Rafael jumping in before he could so much as finish his sentence for the third time. 

“Are you even gay? You obviously slept with a woman at some point!” He yelled, a few stray tears that had been making him eyes glassy since he dropped the coffee tray starting to fall down his face. Sonny was so upset by the remark that he rolled right over the fact that Rafael _never_ cried. Taking a step forward, he opened his mouth to make a low-blow retort right back, Olivia putting her hand up to stop him before he could, and giving Rafael a pointed look. ”Rafa, you can’t tell him to explain and keep talking over him.” She said, Rafael only rolling his eyes, shooting a glare towards Sonny. “Go take care of your kid. You and I are done talking here.” He spat out and turned to leave, the door only being stopped from slamming shut behind him by Amanda trying to come in as he was going out. 

Giving Sonny a sympathetic smile, she closed the door behind herself. “I don’t need to know what that was about, but Isabelle said you all could listen to her talk to Kat through the two way.” She said, walking over to Sonny and giving his hand as Olivia pressed the button to turn the speaker on.

“-can only help if we know what’s going on.” Kat finished saying as the sound feed filled Olivia’s office, the teenager still sniffling from what Sonny could only assume had been a panic attack. Pulling her shirt down some to reveal her shoulder, which was currently sporting a number of purple and blue bruises, she turned her eyes on the ground. Sonny felt ill, Olivia reaching down to scoot her office trash can a little closer to him when she saw his face start to lose it’s color. His head again, began to hurt. 

_Taylor abused her._

_You weren’t there and she got hurt._

_You let her get hurt._

“My mom did this to me for spilling my water at dinner.” She said, then moving her hands to her hair, pushing her side bangs back to reveal a scabbed over bald spot. “And this is from when she pulled my hair with a power drill because I asked her boyfriend to turn his music down.” She continued, her tone nonchalant, as though none of this was the least bit unexpected.

“So let’s talk more about her boyfriend, you said he lives with you?” Kat asked, Izzy nodding. 

Sitting up a little straighter, Izzy huffed. “He moved in with us a few months ago because he got evicted from his own apartment. But he wouldn’t tell her why. He’s super Christian and makes us go to church with him.” She said, pulling her shirt back up. Suddenly the long skirt, and the fact that Taylor had been sporting a similar ‘too modest for the summer heat’ outfit made sense. This didn’t surprise Sonny as much as it probably did Amanda and Olivia. But as it had become clearer than ever of the course of the past hour, there was a lot they didn’t know. 

“Does he treat you like your mom does?” Kat continued, Izzy chewing her lip for a moment before responding. Dire as everything was, the tiny action brought Sonny a small smile, as that was a habit they evidently shared. He had spent countless nights over the years laying awake and wondering if she has turned out with similar mannerisms. in spite of never truly knowing him. 

Izzy fidgeted, looking uncomfortable with the question. “Uh kinda. I’m not supposed to wear shorts or tank-tops or anything like that because he told her he thought it was distracting and that I need to be ‘more respectful’“. She said, using air quotes on the last bit, Olivia and Amanda both cringing. “I told her that was stupid but she sided with him.” She continued, picking at her nail beds. “Do you think he-” Amanda started, Sonny turning around and giving her a pointed _not now, please_ look. He was asking himself the same question, but decided that was something they could unpack in another conversation. 

“If my dad doesn’t want me it’s okay,” Izzy said, Sonny put off by how well she seemed to accept that he might not. That he would just wave goodbye as Child Protective Services took her off to live with strangers. “I just really don’t want to go home. Especially now because I’d be in so much trouble.” She said, both Olivia and Amanda turning to Sonny. He was a bit hurt they even had to question if he was going to take her, but pushed that guilt asidez “If I don’t take her she’ll go into state custody, of course I’ll take her.” He said, looking at her through the glass. 

Amanda nodded, opening the door to step out. “Let me go pass the message on to Kat, and Fin. I’m sure he’s having a blast.” She said and left, Olivia turning off the speaker and closing the blind to the interview room. She sat on the edge of her desk, Sonny leaning against the wall with a deep sigh. “Since CPS is going to open an investigation we’re going to have to interview her again, and you.” She said, Sonny nodding. “And she should really go the hospital to be checked out, but if you went home and both took a nap for a few hours first, I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Olivia continued, Sonny nodding. He moved to go out to the interview room, stopping when Olivia pulled him in for a tight wordless hug before letting him leave.  
-  
Stepping into the room, Sonny smiled at his daughter, Kat slipping out to give them privacy. “Iz, we can go back to my apartment whenever you’re ready.” He said, Izzy looked up from her lap. “Do you have my photograph?” She asked and Sonny pulled it out of his pocket, handing it back to her. “I’m ready now. I put clothes and stuff in this bag before I left.” She said and stood up, picking up her duffle bag. Noticing she looked lightheaded he gently took it off of her, swinging it over his own shoulder as they left the interview room, crossing the same floor he had crossed just a few hours ago when coming into the bullpen, without the faintest idea he would be walking back out with his daughter. 

“You know when I was little I would daydream about bumping into you on the street. That was before I even saw any photos.” Izzy said as they walked, laughing some as she recounted the story. “I didn’t know what you looked like but I thought if I saw you I would just know you were my dad.” She continued, her laugh fading towards the end. Sonny hit the button for the elevator, noticing out of the corner of his eye that she was starting to sniffle again, trying to hide her face as she got on the elevator with him. 

“Hey, well I’m here now. You found me.”

Sonny said, reaching forward to tuck a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. He noticed when he did so that she had wavy blonde hair like her namesake, Bella, and started to wonder how he was going to tell his family about all of this. When he first told his parents about Rafael they had tried to convince him to tell the other man about his daughter, but had backed off when he said he was wildly uncomfortable with dropping that information on him so soon into their relationship. And that was the first time the topic had come up at all in _years_ , Sonny having made it clear that if he wanted to talk about her then he would be the one to start the conversation.

Not that he was completely honest about how often he wanted to talk about her. On the top shelf of his closet there was a binder of photos that he pulled down ever year on her birthday, sat down, and cried over for hours. This past October Rafael had, of course unknowingly, planned a date that day. And Sonny faked sick like a 5th grader trying to get out of school. 

Looking back up at her father, Izzy opened her mouth to respond, but the only noise that came out was a choked back sob. Sonny put a hand on her arm, that being all she needed to collapse against his chest, crying into his shirt.  
-  
**October 3rd, 2005**  
_“Okay dad, do you want to hold her?" The kind voice of a nurse said as she gently took the infant out of Taylor’s arms, walking toward where Sonny was sitting in the armchair next to the hospital bed. He nodded, unable to find words as the baby was placed on his chest, her tiny hands holding onto the fabric of his shirt as she started to cry. “Hey, it’s just me Izzy Rose.” He said softly, holding her close and shushing her gently. She calmed down after a moment, her eyes fluttering closed._

_The nurse beamed, taking Sonny’s camera off of the chair arm to get a picture of the moment. “Treasure her being this small, she won’t always fit on your chest.” She said sweetly. Sonny studied Izzy’s small face and features, running a finger over the little amount of hair she had. He was filled with overwhelming love for his daughter, but the longer he looked at her, and the longer he let himself be consumed with that love, the more another feeling started to creep in. Guilt._

_“I’m so happy Dominick.” Taylor said, Sonny looking from the infant to her and giving a small smile._

_“Me too.”_

**Author's Note:**

> so funny story, this is the longest first chapter i’ve ever written. i live and breathe for your comments and you can find me on Twitter @fourdayshome!!! happy season finale week!!!


End file.
